Oh! Almighty Power

Oh! almighty power of universe,

wherever you are

whatever you are

Oh! seen and unseen power

I know,

somewhere you are

I feel,

something you are

Oh! lord of deaths and lives,

let me thank you,

for empty canvas of life

gifted me on birth,

for plain brocade of time

handed me with birth.

I want to thank you for,

ups and downs

smiles and tears

failures and crowns

strength and fears.

I got to thank you,

for,

the  brinish and sweet taste of life,

the struggles and comforts of life,

the brims and peace of life.

Oh! almighty god

power of the universe,

I have to thank you

for all,

absent and present in my life,

who hates or loves me

who teases or cares me

who pleases or fears me

who bores or entertains me.

oh! one in all

all in all,

I want to thank you

for,

achievements and failures,

flower and thrones,

gold and coals,

days and night,

dark and bright

all part of life.

Oh! almighty power

I have to thank you

for,

accepting and rejecting my prayers.

I want to thank you

for the versatility of life.

Oh! almighty power.

Let's raise right issues!

Nature may have created all livings and non-livings with huge effort. Among all, it must have created humans with love and emotion too. It cares about us all the time, may be so it manages the resources for us everywhere. It tries as much as it can, makes us reachable to resource and use it. But although it have tried much, some of us are still facing issues. Some of them are created by nature like flood, earthquake etc whereas some of them are created by humans themselves like dowry, inequality, sexual harassment etc.

Most of us are working for those issues so that resources can be made accessible to everyone. Everyone can live a better life. We are trying to overcome all issues either those are by nature or humans. Government organizations, I/NGOs all are working for solving the issues. Some of them have already solved some issues whereas some of them are working and some of them are failed too. There are lots of faces devoted for giving everyone a good life. Whereas there are lots of faces these days who create more issues by raising one issue. They are raising issues for the needed ones but they start it with the wrong way as well as inappropriate words. If issues are raised with right voice and right words they get solution and everyone is benefited. What if they lack the right direction and right words? Raising issues of society is good, because we always need some people to speak if something wrong is going on, but raising the wrong issues and wasting resources for it is crime.

For instance, If in some colony lacks food and it is thrived to starvation. If all the members, men and women, are suffering.  What if we write it as," Again women rights could not reach here. The women of the colony are starving. Where is government? " After reading the statement above government would never take it as the problem of poverty. It will start working for women rights and launch some programs there. Is women right need of the colony at the time? What would be the result? Probably all the people, men and women, would die of poverty or may be their condition would be worse. And it would be all for a single reason ,"raising the wrong issue." What would it have been if it was raised as ,"people of colony starved. Where is government?"  Later issue could take the stakeholders towards the right solution and probably people can be saved.

Lets raise the issues in order to get proper solution of it and address it. If the problem is not identified correctly it can never get the correct solution. The real problems get solution, created problems can never get. These days issues are not the real issue, raising wrong issue is the main issue. Specially, Nepal is already bound with lots of problems, let's not create more by raising wrong issues. Women's right, gender discrimination are the genuine issues and so many resources have been utilized to uplift the lives, but don't mix it with all the problems. Think twice before we raise an issue, if we are raising right issue then we will can get closer to its solution and if you are raising wrong issue then we can prevent world from more issue by dropping it  or searching the right way to raise it.

 

A face of volunteerism

“Volunteering for me is all about being able to give instant and long term happiness to all. May be they are the people whom we watch regularly or maybe we have never seen them in our whole life. Getting inspired with my own definition, I started to volunteer for empowering women of the Terai community of Nepal. I started my journey to educate them so that they can decide their life and volunteer for others who they used to be. 

The world can be happier place only if all of us are living happily. But in most places we can see that there men have only life, women are just their service provider or commodity to them. Women are concerned as service to men, their self existence is questioned? For the independence of my community, I tried to educate the women informally. I taught them to realize, "their own existence, their role." Nature is incomplete without them. I started this movement from Mahottari district a year ago and included some formal and non-formal education during my sessions. All the sessions are equally memorable to me and smile on those faces are unforgettable.

One of the sessions which is most memorable moment to me. We, me and my students, were talking about women rights in world. One old grandmother said ,"So we are equal to world. " I realized I am a good teacher and a good volunteer too. Because the grandmother have never felt her own existence and equality in society. And I answered her ,"Yes! all women are. Women are volunteer by nature that does not mean that they have no rights." This movement have increased women literacy, decision making roles of women in society and their participation in all events.

It is not a formal organization. Some of the women of local community run the program. The smiles in all the faces and positive confidence towards life in them drives me there. These days some of the local men are too attending the sessions so they can understand about the women rights and implement in their life.”

क्युं?

सुबह तुम्हारी, रौशनी तुम्हारे,

अंधकार ही सारे मेरे क्युं?

अंधकार चलो दिए तो दिए

उन अंधकारकी चन्द्रमा भी तुम्हारे क्युं?

क्या मैने ऐसा मांगलिया

जो तुम दे नही सकते,

आखिर दे नही कुछ सकते,

तो देनेका इसारा दिखाया क्युं?

घरमे लेना है इतना मुश्किल

तो बाहर जाके हम मांगे क्युं?

आदिकवि तुम्हारे, महाकवि तुम

तो मैं तुम्हारी धर्तीको अपना मांगु क्युं?

स्वर्ग तुम्हारी, जन्नत तुम्हारे

बचाखुचा नर्क मेरा क्युं?

नर्क मेरा हुवा तो हुवा,

ये नर्क चलानेवाला यमराज तुम्हारा क्युं?

Journey to Journey

Setting out  for journey to journey,

thoughts aroused for destination,

but glad my heart, obsessed with journey

prayed for the longest road ever,

that never ends, anywhere.

When one ends, it seems

a part is ended,

it's never ending,

its nested in itself,

it’s a journey to journey.

Travelling with the longest road

thinking of the next October,

when one October ends,

no November starts,

One October's end, starts the next October

Yes! travelling with only Octobers,

I started, journey to journey.

Wearing- the shabby shoes,

Holding-the torn hopes,

when one hope dies,

the next rises,

where no failure touches,

where death of one, passes life to other

With the cycle of hopes,

I travel, journey to journey.

Walking through the unpaved  roads,

Watching the shriveled trees,

Kissing its last leaf,

the way continues,

with full adventures,

with loving humors,

with sudden turmoil,

living the journey to journey.

प्रेम पत्र

प्रिय माही,

पत्रको औपचारिकता पुरा गर्न प्रिय भनेर संबोधन। सायद मेरो आत्माभित्र रहेको प्रेमको कारणले पनि मैले प्रिय संबोधन गर्दै छु। अचम्म लाग्छ, जब जब यी प्रेमिल सांझहरु दोहोरिन्छन् अनि एक्लै बसेर किन कल्पन मन लाग्छ, किन हजुरलाई सम्झन मन लाग्छ। त्यो सांझको अन्धकार र प्रेममा डुब्न मन लाग्छ। सामाजिकता र दायित्वको दरो खम्बा समाएर उभिएकी प्रोमिशा एकान्तमा कर्तव्य भुल्छे, जिन्दगी भुल्छे र हजुरसंग रमाउंछे। विवश यो आत्मा, विवश यो हृदय अनि आज विवशता र भयानकताको तडपबाट मुक्ति पाउने आशामा उहिले देखि हृदयान्तरमा गुम्सिएर रहेका चाहनाका भण्डारलाई छच्ल्क्याउने दुष्प्रयास गर्दै छु। यस अनभिज्ञताको परिधिभित्र कोरिएका सम्पुर्ण भुलप्रति क्षमायाचना। न म प्रेमको बारेमा लेखिने काव्य वा उपन्यासकि लेखिका हुं, न म प्रेमकी खेलाडी नै। म त केवल हजुरको सतव्यहवार र सतआत्मबीच सबैभन्दा बढी हजुरले खेलेको खेलबीच अल्झिएको एक आत्मा हुं। न म तोडन् सक्छु न त पोख्न नै, केवल छच्ल्क्याउन मात्रै। रोमियो जुलियत, राधाकृष्ण जस्तो मेरो प्रेम महान त पक्कै नहोला तर हजुरको खुशीमा मेरा ओठमा हासों र दुःखमा आत्माबाटै साथ हुनेछ भन्ने वाचा गर्दछु।

हुन संसारका ठुल्ठुला उपन्यासकार र दार्शनिकहरुले पुर्णतः परिभाषित गर्न नसकेको यो प्रेमको बारेमा म के नै भन्न सकुला र? तर एकचोटी आफ्नो मनमा महसुस गरेको भावनाहरु भन्न चाहन्छु। म आफ्नो अन्तरहृदयमा हजुरलाई महसुस गर्न सक्छु, के यही प्रेम होइन र? म आँखा बन्द गरेपनि हजुरका छविहरुलाई देख्न सक्छु, के यही प्रेम होइन र? आफ्नो एकान्तमा हजुरलाई समझेर रूम्मलिन सक्छु, रमाउन सक्छु, म हजुरका यादमा डुब्न सक्छु। आफ्ना कर्तव्य र अधिकार, सम्पुर्ण अनाकार ती आकारलाई बिर्सन सक्छु र केवल हजुरसंगै बांचेको हुन्छु। सायद म छू भन्ने कुरा पनि बिर्सन्छु। 'म छु' भित्रको 'म' पनि हराएर जान्छ केवल 'छू' भन्ने मात्र आभाष गर्छु। सायद यस पत्रको सहायताले मात्र हजुरलाई पनि ठम्याउन गाह्रै होला, कसैले कसैलाई नचिनेर पन यति माया गर्न सक्छ र? किनकि यस संसारमा हरेक कामको लागि परिचय प्रथम चीज हो। हरेक प्रेममा पनि परिचय पछि प्रेम हुन्छ तर सायद जरुरी छैन, प्रेम पछि पनि परिचय गर्न सकिन्छ, परिचय नभएपनि प्रेममात्र पनि गर्न सकिन्छ किनकि कहिलेकांही प्रेम नै परिचय हुन्छ।

अतिततिर फर्किदां म आफुपनि अचम्भित हुन्छु। कसरी हजुरको प्रतिभाले मेरो मुटुमा यस्तो डोब बनायो? हुनत प्रतिभाको कदर संसारमा सबैले नै गर्छन् तर हजुरको प्रतिभाले मलाई प्रेमी बनायो, प्रेम गर्न सिकायो। हजुरको जीवनको प्रथम प्रतिभाशाली प्रदर्शनबाट नै प्रभावित भएर म प्रेममा नपरेकी होइन। आफ्नो जीवनको सफलताकोलागि कर्म गर्ने म कर्मयोगी भएपनि भाग्यले मलाई जहिले हजुरको प्रतिभा हेर्ने मौका प्रदान गरिरहयो। किनकिन हजुरको प्रदर्शनले मलाई छुट्टै प्रसन्नताको अनुभुति हुन्छ। शताब्दीऔं सम्म बिर्सन नसकिने हजुरको त्यो खेल मलाई अझसम्म पनि याद छ र रहिरहने छ। बाध्यता र प्रेम नामका दुई छुट्टै डोरीबाट बांधिएकि म, मनमा हजुरकै प्रेम संचय गरेकी संचिता हुं। भौगोलिक आधारमा धेरै दुरी भएपनि, समृतिमा हजुरलाई राखेर बांच्ने स्मिता हुं, हजुरकै प्रेम संगीतमा रमाउने संगीता हुं।

कहां हजुर त्यो आकाशको चन्द्रमा, कहां म यस धर्तीकी एक पोखरी। चन्द्रमाको छायांमात्र पोखरीमा देखिन्छ, चन्द्रमा स्वयं कहिले पोखरीमा आउंदैन भन्ने थाहा पाएपनि, कुनै दिन यस पोखरीको पानी सागरमा गएर मिल्नेछ र त्यस चन्द्रमाको गुरुत्वाकर्षणलाई कमसेकम महसुस गरेर छाल बनेर उफ्रनछे भने आशामा संधैभरि कुरिरहें। एकदिन खबर पाएं हजुर यस पोखरी नजिकैको सागरमा उत्रदैं हुनुहुन्छ। भेट्ने आशामा त्यहीं पुगें तर त्यहां मजस्ता धेरै पोखरी थिए अनि भेट्न पाइएन। त्यसदिन थाहा पाएं मेरो प्रेम त केवल मरुभुमिको एकमुठ्ठी बालुवा सरी रहेछ। मरुभुमिमा नै कसैलाई रुची हुदैंन, त्याहांको एकमुठ्ठी बालुवालाई कसले मतलब गर्छ? तर बालुवालाई आफ्नो अस्तित्व थाहा हुन्छ। ऊ त्यही अस्तित्वमा सिमित भएपनि आफुलाई बुझेको हुन्छ।

आखिर प्रेम सांच्चै नै स्वतन्त्रता को अर्को नाम रहेछ। जहां हरेक लेनदेन र स्वार्थ सकिन्छन्, त्यही नै प्रेमको उत्पति र अर्थ रहेछ। म पनि हजुरको प्रेममा स्वतन्त्र भैसकेको छु। मेरो संकल्पित मन प्रेम गर्न मात्र चाहन्छ, कहिले प्रेम पाउन चाहंदैन, केवल हजुरलाई एकहोरो प्रेम गर्न चाहन्छ। छच्लकिने यी भावनाहरु सायद कहिले अन्त्य हुंदैनन्, जति लेखे पनि शब्द अपर्याप्त नै छन्, तर कलमको थकाइलाई बुझेर यहीं अन्त्य गर्दैछु।

                                                

                                हजुरकी 

                                                                          प्रोमिशा 

Everything needs to be written!

Image source: http://primalspirituality.org/courses/life-destiny-immersion

"God Bramha writes everything about us the day we get fertilized from an ovum and a sperm", the common saying in Hinduism. Whether I was supposed to be an engineer or I am writing this article, God Bramha knew everything about me. Each and every letters I write and the intervals I spend in leisure, he knows. In fact, he only not knew, he wrote in his diary to make me perform these all. So, everything is written, my timeline is just a page of his diary. Hard to believe!

I think not only me, all the child born in Hindu family are grown up with this concept and later start believing  and they too teach their children the same. I am too one of them, so I am also supposed to believe. Lots of questions are born in our daily life, whose answer is ,"Everything is written." What you did, what you are doing and what you will do, someone knows. But now it’s the time to question, "is everything written? how is everything is written? where is everything written?"

It's correct that as much times you repeat the question, you are closer to its answer. So, I found ,"everything is written," lacks in it which can be completed as "Everything is written in you and now it needs to be written by you." If everything is written, then why Balmiki worked hard for Ramayan and similarly Shakespeare struggled with his pen for Machbeth? The sentence may be right that your story is written within you and only you are able to read it and feel it anytime. But if you want to let the world know about you then it would be written as ,"Everything  needs to be written."

"What does your mother's love and father's care specially mean to you?", world needs to know through your feelings and your vocabulary. "Either you enjoyed your engineering or it was just an inspiration for your future studies", it’s the time to let the world feel your feelings. The events are same but the feelings are different. So, I want to let the world know ,"how I feel, when I am surrounded with my caring friends? when I am alone reading Palpasa café? how my heart beats, when I dance Kathak wearing Ghunghru? how my lips feel, when I smile? how my eyes feel, when I am in tears? how I feel, when there is battle of wills in my soul? how it feels, when there is emptiness?". I don’t know, somewhere there something is written or not but now I want to write everything.

We all need to write. How we have felt even the small incidents that occurred in our life and how we expect the upcoming events of our life. The questions are same for all of us. It depends, are we ready to share? "Whether it is written or not?" is not the whole question. The question is ,"Are you ready to write who you are?" 

जब आंसुको मोल रहेन।

छुटाएं ती नाताहरु

टुटाएं ती सपनाहरु,

पुछें ती आंसुहरु

मेटे ती यादहरु

निभाएं ती आशहरु,

बटुल्दै, जम्मा गरें

एकमुठ्ठी आत्मविश्वास,

चिरें अन्धकार र लागें

एउटा नयां लक्ष्यको खोज्मा,

जब आंसुको मोल रहेन।

सम्झांए त्यो नयनलाई,

त्यो सपना मात्र हो भन्दै,

सुरु गरें, नयां बाटो

हिड्दै, आफ्ना पाइला गन्दै,

खोजें यो मौनताबीच

आशाका स्वरहरु,

हराए, अन्धकारमय दिनहरु

ती अतीतका यादहरु,

जब आंशुको मोल रहेन।

आखिर, क्षणभरको मात्र जीवन

आंसु पिएरै कति बांच्नु,

भक्कानिएको मुटु

त्यहां माया कसरी सांच्नु,

म बाध्य भएं

नयां भविष्य रोज्न

नयां संसार खोज्न,

यी अनमोल भनाउंदा,

जब आंसुको मोल रहेन।

Aliveness

With all the glory

how I achieved a life,

when I can't find me in me

I dare to ask

"Who am I?"

"Where am I?"

"How am I?"

"What am I?"

When I can't find any voice

The passive player, me

dares to ask, again

"Am I alive?"

"Is aliveness alive?"

The second thought,

arises, answering

A hope, I am living

A dream, I am pursuing

A thought, I am believing

A question, I am raising

aren't  these aliveness?

Yes, aliveness is alive.

And aliveness asks me,

"Are you alive?"

The next thought,

ceases me, inside me

all questions dead

all thoughts scattered,

raising the silence,

I dare to think again,

and start listening

a voice in me.

shall I believe, I am alive

I fear death, am I alive?

I have seen and heard,

women burnt for dowry

Couldn't  raise a single question, am I alive?

I have seen, worked for

the corrupted ones,

Couldn't  dare raising a protest, am I alive?

I can see, 

Children, without means of education

Couldn't  raise voice for them, am I alive?

So, I dare to doubt

again and again,

"Am I alive?"

"Is aliveness alive?"

My poisoned heart,

arises, answering me

with silence,

a complete silence.

The shot questions,

Alive emptiness,

I dare to ask again ,

I can see

Female feticide,

Domestic violence,

Sexual abuse,

Chhaupadi,

Rape,

Dowry,

Poverty,

Corruption,

Illiteracy,

and above all murders,

But all I care

Price tag of dress at Kathmandu mall,

Recent movie at QFX movie hall,

My settlement at Kathmandu,

That's why,

I suspect, my glory of life 

and dare to ask

"Am I alive?"

"Is my aliveness alive?"

म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन।

म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
सर्वप्रथम भुततिर जानेछु,
इतिहासका बिगतका पाना पल्टाई,
भविष्यका लागि अमरसिंह थापा बोलाउनेछु,
उनले लडेका सम्पुर्ण युद्धहरु हेर्नेछु,
लडाईमा चुहिएका उनका सम्पुर्ण रगत थोपामा नाप्नेछु,
शरीरमा लागेका घाउ संख्यामा गन्नेछु,
र सोध्छु आफैलाई "मैले यति थोपा पसिना बगाएको छु र?"
आफ्ना उत्तर पाएर, मौन भई म माफी माग्नेछु,
र प्रयास गर्नेछु देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।

म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
फेरी भुततिर जानेछु,
कौश्ल्यावती बनेर फेरी, पृथ्वी नारायण शाह जन्माउनेछु,
एकीकरण होइन, बाईसी चौबीसी राज्य बनाउनेछु,
नुवाकोटबाट गोर्खा छुट्टयाउनेछु,
र सोध्छु आफैलाई" मैले मेरो व्यक्तिगत प्रदेश पाएं कि नाई?"
आफ्ना उत्तर पाएर, लज्जित यो मेरो शिर निहुराउनेछु,
अनि प्रयास गर्नेछु देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।



म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
गीता,कोरान र बाइबल पल्टाउनेछु,
श्लोक, आयात र भर्स पढ्नेछु,
कुनै दिन येशुलाई रातो घण्टी फूल चढाएर, कोरान सुनाउनेछु,
सोध्नेछु मनभित्रको ईश्वरलाई "निर्जीव मुर्तीलाई खूशी पार्न मैले सजीव फूललाई मारेको छु??"
र त्यसदिन देखि म मानवता मात्र संगालनेछु,
अनि प्रयास गर्नेछु, देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।



म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
पत्रकार सम्मेलन बोलाउनेछु,
अगाडीको आसनमा एउटी कुमारी, अर्की विवाहिता र अर्की विधवा बसाउनेछु,
र प्रश्न गर्नेछु,
"यिनी सबैकालागि त्यही आरक्षणको तेतीस प्रतिशत होइन र,
जसमा कोही सपना सजाउंदै, कोही रमाउंदै र कोही अतित सम्झेर आंसु बगाउंदै छिन्",
र त्यसपछि म आदरसाथ संबोधन गर्दै आसनमा बोलाउनेछु,
घरमा बिरामी आमा पाल्दै गरेकी एक अविवाहिता,
जसले हरेक राती आमाको प्राण जोगाउन देहाव्यापार गर्छिन्,
र तिनका लागि आरक्षण होइन, तिनको कुमारीत्वको संरक्षण माग गर्नेछु,
र फेरि प्रयास गर्नेछु, देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।

म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
देशका सम्पुर्ण बालसंजाललाई बोलाउनेछु,
सबैको हातमा एकै किसिमका कलम र कापी दिनेछु,सबैलाई खान भनि एउटै खाना दिनेछु,
र सिकाइदिन्छु तिनलाई देशभक्ति को अर्थ, पढाइदिन्छु तिनलाई मानवताको पाठ,
कोही खाना पचाउन हिंड्ने सय पाइला,
र कोही खाना पाउन हिंड्ने सय पाइला को फरक देखाउनेछु,
र सोध्नेछु तिनलाइ मित्रता र न्यायको अर्थ,
भन्न नसके कसैले,त्यस दिन म सिकाउनेछु,
कोहि अल्फा, कोही बिटा र कोही गामा किन भए,
बुझ्न नसके उनले,
"जन्माइदेउ आफै अर्को क्वान्टम थ्योरी" भनेर भन्नेछु,
र फेरी अघि सर्नेछु, देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।



म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
म सगरमाथा चढेर, जानकी मन्दिरलाई ढोग्नेछु,
महोत्तरीको जलेश्वरमा बसेर, हुम्लाको सिमीकोट सम्झिनेछु,
चांदनी दोधारामा बसेर, इलामको चियाबारीको चित्र कोर्नेछु,
मनभित्र सजाउनेछु मेरो सिंगो नेपाल,
र लुम्बिनी गई मायादेवी मन्दिरमा बसेर, बुद्धलाई सम्झिंदै
प्रयास गर्नेछु, देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।



म भविष्यवाणी गर्न सक्दिन, गर्न खोज्ने भए
ईंटहरु खोज्दै मेरो धरहरा र वसन्तपुर दरबार ठड्याउनेछु,
बांकी रहेका ईंटले, दोलखा र सिन्धुपाल्चोकमा घरहरु बनाउनेछु,
सबैले बसोबास पाएसी,कोशी र कर्णालीबाट जलविधुत निकाल्नेछु,
सबैको घर र मनलाइ उज्यालो बनाउनेछु,
ती मनका शक्तिबाट, काठमाडौंमा म मेट्रो चलाउनेछु,
मेट्रोबाट भएको कमाइले, म बाग्मती सफा गराउनेछु,
बाग्मती सफा गराई, म मेलमचीबाट पानी निकालनेछु,
देशको युवाको दक्षता देखाउनेछु,
ती युवावर्गलाई नै विश्वकप खेल्न पठाउनेछु,
विश्वकप जितेर, सुर्य चन्द्र भएको मेरो झण्डा विश्वसामु ल्याउनेछु,
अनि प्रयास गर्नेछु, देशका लागि भविष्यवाणी गर्न।

                                                                                                              Written By:

                                                                                                       Adarsh Mishra

Promisha Mishra

Motherhood

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a 
million ways to be a good one.”
—Jill Churchill

My girlhood blazes,

with the predilection

of nature,

to kindle the new life.

Hereby,

I abrogate,

your blasphemies,

and solve the enigma

of my incarnation,

to kindle the new life.

Hereby,

I accept,

your obdurate lessons,

just to be alive,

to kindle the new life. 

Hey! nature,

I can heed,

the cryptic movements,

inside my womb.

It's not an abstruse,

for me now,

to catch you

how,

you kindle the new life.

Hey! nature,

Is it the same

my cycle's blood,

getting a life in it?

whom,

you kindled the new life.

My covert girlhood blazes,

to kindle the new life.

तिम्रो शहर।

छचल्किने यी आंसु,
रसाउने यी आंखा,
जब परेलीहरुले छोप्छन्,
अनि पुग्छ मस्तिष्क,
तिम्रो शहर।


जहां आग्मनका हरेक पाइलामा
स्वागत हुन्छ,
जहां बित्ने हर क्षणमा,
समर्पण हुन्छ,
जहां महसुस गर्छु
"रानी हुं म यस शहरकी"
किनकी यो शहर हो,
तिम्रो शहर।

Image credit: https://feroce.wordpress.com/author/puuch/page/11/

हो त्यही शहर,
केवल तिम्रो शहर,
जहां आभाष गरें,
म रानी होइन,
यात्री रहिछु,
म आफ्नी होइन्,
पराई रहिछु,
म बासिन्दा होइन,
पाहुना रहिछु,
म सर्वोपरि होइन,
आगन्तुक रहिछु,
अनि हुन्छ चसक्क मुटु
जब सत्यसंग सामना गर्छु,
रमाउने त्यो मुटुलाई,
म असत्यसंग परिचिय गर्न बाध्य हुन्छु,
र सम्झाउंछु,
क्षण भरको अन्धकार हो,
आखिर फेरी उज्यालो हुनेछ,
र यात्राको अन्त्य बन्नेछ,
त्यही शहर,
तिम्रो शहर।


बुझ्न सकिनछु,
आखिर त्यो राम्रो स्वप्न मात्र रहेछ,
सम्झिन सकिनछु,
आखिर म त्यस शहरकी यात्री रहिछु,

स्वप्न को जीवन हुदैन,
यात्रीको ठहर हुदैन,
अनि विछोडमा विचल्ली हुन्छ,
फेरी पुग्न खोज्छ मन,
त्यही स्वप्न शहर,
मेरो भावको रहर,
यात्री मुटुको ठहर,
तिम्रो शहर।

Untold Fairytales

A verse dedicating to all the girls who fought for women's right and dared to be the change they want :

Awaited: my heart

feels,

Serene: my soul

writes,

thou untold fairy-tales,

buried in thy insularity,

captivated,

with patriarch times,

where there lives

the intrepid girl,

who dares to fall

& rule the world,

not being the queen

who marries a king,

who never awaits

for her prince.

Who never fails

to be feminine,

who never cursed

her maternity,

& proves the world

"females are never commodity."

Wavering: my hands
Applauds,
Shivering: my body
Talks,
Thou wars of identity
stories of inferiority
history of her betrayed inadequacy
Covered in the shades of minority
Named as the second gender of world
In the world of so called
“the ruler’s world”
But they stood,
for their fights
Alone in the world of no rights
Who knew ‘All are equal’
From the nature
From the god
Who built the human race.
Who is sure
About her existence,
About her importance,
As a mother
for this world
To continue forever
To establish a sequence
And provide evidence
Of her equality.

Let me try!

Let me try,

to collapse

the banal dreams,

which I & you created.

Which burdened my mind,

after you failed to realize,

thou were alive.

Let me try,

to abscond,

from thou world,

just for some time,

to hide my pains,

to heal my mind,

to cry my heart

until I find a new life.

Let me try,

to be brave,

so that

I can face

everyone like you,

during  thy life.

Let me try

to burnish the dreams,

which are mine

& only mine.

Let me try

to write

my words

so you can know,

she is alive

with her dreams,

she is polite

with her obdurate limbs,

she can fly

with her own wings,

she can survive

with her reverent learning's,

she can create

her own spring,

She can trust

her latent feelings.

Yeah! let me try,

just let me try.

Janakpur to Kathmandu

Regular phone calls were not sufficient for us then, I just wanted to meet him. Because this time if I missed to meet him then I won't get a chance even to see him at least for 2 years because my best friend, Nripesh was going Canada for his further studies. Travelling to kathmandu was full of risks but for everything you have to pay something. So this time I prepared my bag  full of risks. In order to reach kathmandu I have to be at Bardibas first, which seemed nearly impossible due to Madhesh Band for some kind of protest. Somehow, one of my friend agreed to drop me. We were supposed to leave Janakpur at 4:30 AM, so that we can travel safely. I did the same and finally after a ride of 1 hour I was at Bardibas, where I felt that now I can sure be at Kathmandu after some hours. My friend returned. We waved goodbye to each other and I did not forget to thank him.

I have been working at Mahottari since a year, so the bus owner recognized me and gave me the ticket for the front seat on A side easily. I asked him about who is sharing the seat with me. He gave a look at ticket book and answered with smile, "Madam, it’s a girl, nearly 20 years old, she had written her name as Swapna." I entered the bus, there she was. She was at window seat, I took the next one beside her.

I was excited. I called Nripesh. He picked. Before he even speaks a single word, I told him"Hey! I am at bardibas now and I took the bus, so now it's sure that we are going to meet before you leave Nepal." He was too happy after hearing that and wished me to have a safe journey. It was one of the happiest moment of my life so I decided to celebrate it with some Cadbury. I picked it up from my purse, and after unwrapping it I asked to have some to Swapna. After all she was the partner of my journey. She had it with a smile and thanked me. Suddenly she asked me "Are you headed to Kathmandu?"

I answered, "May be not today. Actually I have to meet my sis Pragati at Narayanghat, so after meeting her I will go there tomorrow." At the instant her face became dark. I couldn't get it.

I asked her, "Are you okay? "

Politely she answered, "Yeah! I am. "

But her face had a very different expression and I had no idea how to handle the situation. I again gave her a smile but there seemed no change at her facial expression. She asked me for my name. I answered, "Promisha."

After a while she told, "Actually I am afraid of men. So I asked you that whether you are travelling with me to Kathmandu or not. I will feel safe if you can travel to Kathmandu."

I knew that most of the girls feel unsafe when the beside seat is taken by unknown men. But she really seemed frightened. It was not a casual expression for any girl. My curiosity did not let me to be silent. I asked her, "Why are you so much afraid with that simple issue? Later we have to work with men at office. Everywhere in the world we need to face men. You are afraid for just a single journey of some hours. A girl should not be afraid ever at least of men."

She answered, "Yeah! I know all these. But I am afraid of men always, either at my home or other places."

I was shocked. Her part of the sentence "at my home" stroke my mind. I asked her, "Why should you be afraid at your home. I am not getting your point dear. Men are not always bad. I am headed to Kathmandu to meet my friend and he is a boy. So don't be afraid ever."

She answered, "I heard you talking on phone. That sounds good when a girl is not afraid of men and trust them equally. But everyone is not lucky as much as you. Sometimes they have very bitter experience only because they are girl and I am one of them. So I trust an animal too if it is only female."

My curiosity aroused with her answer. I asked again, "Hey sis, Can I have a chance to know why are you afraid of males? Your reason cannot be a simple a reason. So, if you allow I want you to share with me your reason. May be I can help you and I can introduce you to some males who really respect female more than them and they don't just show it. They really mean it from their heart."

She nodded. After a minute, she told me that she will share everything if and only if I will travel to Kathmandu with her. Without a delay of second, I told her, "Ok, sure. I will meet my sister while returning."

 She started.

My love story started when I was 13 and a student of class 7.He was my crush when I had entered Samprada English Boarding School. You know, the best part of adolescent age is your crush proposing you. Before I could think something I accepted his proposal. Later I realized that I was in love. We started to enjoy our relationship as others do. We used to bring chocolates for each other and shared it while talking. He was a complete science lover and  I had never interest in any topic of science. But we enjoyed our company. The best days continued for a year.

I never told my mom about my relationship. One of our neighboring aunty complained my mom that she found me at Children park with a boy. My mom inquired me about that either I have been to Children park. I answered her that I have been there with my friend and he was a boy. My mom advised me not to be anywhere with any boy because the society had problem with it and later it will be problem for my family when they would search a life partner for me. I did not care her words because if the society has problem they should search for their solution and I have found my life partner who loved me. So I neither stopped to love him nor having fun with him.

Later my mom had to face a lot of questions from the neighbors. One day my mom asked me, "Is there a guy in your life?" I was confused if I tell them the truth I will be punished and if I cheat them I won't be able to face myself. So I did the worst decision of my life instantly. I told her the truth. She slapped me. I had no idea how to make it smooth. She asked me about the boy. I told her everything. Mom seemed more angry when I told her about him. With a very loud voice she scolded me, "I can't believe this my daughter loves a non-Brahmin boy. You know better that you are born in a Brahmin family and they have to follow the rules of their ancestors. And the most strict rule is that they are neither allowed to love non-Brahmins nor to marry them and the daughters who don’t obey it the family calls them whore. Either you stop it instantly or I will punish you badly if it is continued."

I was never interested in cast system. Neither I had much idea about it. I just knew that I belonged from a Brahmin family and I was the daughter of a widow of a Brahmin family. My mother herself couldn't wear any colorful sari or use any cosmetic just because her husband was not alive. I felt tortured with this Brahmanism where woman had no life without their men. After a while I realized that my love is non-Brahmin. I was happy.  

I stopped meeting him. But I was in contact through phone calls. One day our maternal grandfather came to visit us and he found me chatting with him. He complained my mom and strictly ordered her to take me out of the city so that I won't be able contact him. Mom told her that my studies will be disturbed but he advised her that your daughter had committed a crime and that was loving a guy. She couldn't afford me study at other cities so they decided to take me at either at maternal or paternal house at village. Before I could defend they took me to maternal place. Later I realized it was a village where no phone contacts or any kind of contacts with him. I cried a lot but none of them was ready to hear that. My life was bound within the walls of that house.

Mom dropped me there and returned back to her place. My tears did not count anything to her. So, I concluded "She is a Brahmin woman bound with oaths and bondages who delivered me." Motherhood was just a single word there. I could see love for me in my mother's eyes but her ears had not been able to hear my voice. I wanted to make her understand, "Mom, this is Brahmanism." I knew she loved me more than herself but she had no choice as me.

It was quite difficult for me to adjust with that family but I had no choice. I just cried for him and my mom. The persons who loved me were no more in my life. They were away from me. I kept crying but no solution. After a week, my maternal uncle arrived there during holiday from his job. He used to visit me in my room when I acted like sleeping. One morning he asked me, "Do you like him so much?" and suddenly he touched my hands. I felt uncomfortable. I tried to pull my hands but couldn't success. I asked him to leave my room but his hands were approaching my cheeks. I was not feeling good. I told him, "Uncle! please leave me." He replied, "I will love you more than him and buy you more gifts." I had no idea what was going. He touched to private parts of my body. I was feeling some kind of pain but I couldn't do anything. I kept silent.

 Later It was regular with me. He used to visit almost all night my room and put his hands inside my t-shirt and played with my breasts and I felt pain then and even now. He tried to kiss me so many times but somehow I have always been able to not let him kiss me. I was abused each night but my mom had misconception that I was in a safe place. Almost all the time I prayed, "Please! not today, not again with me." I tried to share it with my aunt but could not. I never had words to share it. I did not know how to share it and what could be the best words to say it properly. I tried so many times to share it with the family but I never been successful. There were so many members in my family who were literally dedicated to care me but each night I was sexually abused.

Once having some courage I told part of these things to my grandmother. But the reactions were opposite. She scolded me as much as she can. I still remember her words they were ,"I can't believe you are my daughter's daughter. Look at her she did not talk with men even she is working in office. You are a whore. You loved a guy who was not Brahmin and we gave you place to live and you have started to ruin my family." She even threatened me that if I tried to share it with someone then I will be punished badly. I was punished each night so I did not have courage for more punishment. I kept silent. My silence and my tears were my best friends those days.

Almost after a month mom came to meet me. She brought some gifts for me. I did not accept a single gift. Because gifts had the different meaning in my life those days. Gifts meant to me first pain then gift. My uncle too used to bring chocolates for me each night and left it there after his entertainment. Mom was transferred to her central office at Kathmandu for 5 years so she had came to take me there.

Just a month of my life made me understand the relation between men and pain for girls. So, when I see any men near me I just associate it with pain. I tried so many times to say it to my mom but never been able there too. I always thank god that my father died during an accident when I was developing inside my mother's uterus and my mom had no child other than me. Specially she does not have any son. I feel good that there are no men at my home. And I feel better that I am a student of Padma Kanya Campus.

Almost both of us were in tears when she ended her story. I kissed her forehead and travelled to Kathmandu.  

घुंघटो भित्रको कथा ।

बजारको सबैभन्दा महगों साडी

मेरो लागि किनिएछ,

किनकि देख्नुछ यो समाजलाई,

फेरी घुंघटो भित्र सजिएकि

एक सजीव चित्रको कथा,

लेख्नुछ यो समाजलाई,

फेरी घुंघटो भित्र बांधिएकि

एक लाचार पवित्र को कथा।

हे ईश्वर, तिम्रो यो कस्तो न्याय,

मैले संसार देख्नुछ

तर घुंघटोभित्र बसेर,

आरक्षणमा पाएका सरकारी जागिर खानुछ

तर घुघंटोलाई सम्हालेर,

पतिलाई रिझाउनछ

तर घुंघटोलाई मानेर,

घरलाई स्वर्ग बनाउन छ

तर घुंघटो नउठाएर,

किनकी सुनाउनेछ यो समाजले,

फेरी घुंघटो भित्र जीवन बनाएकी

अर्की विचित्रको कथा।

हो म पापिनी हुं,

मारेकी छु मैले म भित्रको मेरै रुपलाई,

खुशी छु म उसको मृत्युमा,

बग्ने आंसुलाई म सम्झाउंदैछु,

मृत्यु संगै पाएको, उनको स्वतन्त्रको कथा,

घुंघटोबाट मुक्त भई, नलेखि च्यातिएका पत्रको कथा,

सजीवबाट निर्जीव भएकी, उही पवित्रको कथा,

घुंघटोबाट मुक्त भएकी, मेरी मित्रको कथा।

भविष्य यस्तो होस्।

म लेख्दै छु भविष्य, मेरो देशको
श्रृंगारदैछु सपना, यहांका हजारौ भेषको,
तर आज म सामान्य केटी भएर होइन,
टीशर्ट र जीन्स लाएर होइन,
आंखामा गाजल र अनुहारमा क्रिम दलेर होइन,
म आज लाउनेछु,
मेरो विधवा आमाले लाउने सेतो साडी,
फुटाउनेछु मेरा हातका हरिया चुरा,
र श्रृंगारनेका छु मेरा लागि, मेरा देशका लागि सपना।



म जन्माउंदै छु आज मेरो भोलि,
तर मखमली तन्ना भएका ओछ्यानमा होइन,
डाक्टर र नर्स भएका अस्पतालमा होइन,
म आज जन्माउनेछु,
कसैको दरिद्रता भरेको आवाज सुनेर,
बिमारीले छट्पटिइका शरीर, औषधी नपाइ बग्दै गरेका आंसु,
हो तिनै पीडा भरिएका आंसुका थोपा पुछेर,
सुन्दरताले भरिएकी सानीमाया, आज ठमेलकी जुलिया भइछे अरे!,
हो त्यही जुलियाका रात्री व्यथा सुनेर,
कतार गएको श्यामेको हिजो लास आयो रे,
हो त्यही श्यामेको आमाको मनका वेदना बुझेर,
म आज जन्माइदिनेछु, मेरो भोलि।
मेरो देशको लाखौं हात, जुन टायर बाल्न व्यस्त भए,
तिनका भोलि लेख्दैछु,
मेरी छिमेकी जसको अनुहारमा एसिड फालिएछ,
तिनको भोलि सोच्दैछु,
सुदुर पश्चिममा झाडापखाला ले कैयौं मरे,
तिनका सपना पनि देख्दैछु,
मेरी नेपाल आमा, जसका राजतन्त्र प्रजातन्त्र गन्तन्त्र जस्ता समयसमयमा सन्तान जन्मिए,
तर आज पनि तिनी रगत र आंसुमा डुबिरहिछन्,
उनको पनि भविष्य कोर्दै छु।


"भविष्य कस्तो होस्? भविष्य कस्तो होस्?",
पोलिरहयो मलाई, वर्तमान हेरेर म के कल्पना गरुं,
तर हेरें फेरि अनुहार मेरि आमाको अनि सोचें।


भविष्य यस्तो होस्,
जंहा हरेक बिहान सगरमाथा चुम्दै, सुर्यका सुनौला किरणले राष्ट्रियताको संदेश ल्याओस्,
जात धर्म होइन, मानवताको स्पर्श ल्याओस्,
मेची देखी महाकाली जहां भएपनि, एउटै भाव ल्याओस,।


भविष्य यस्तो होस्,
पदको लागि होइन, विकास लागि आवाज उठुन,
सम्स्या मात्र होइन, समाधानका आवाज उठुन,
प्रदेशका लागि होइन, राष्ट्रका आवाज उठुन।


भविष्य यस्तो होस्,
मृत्यु मात्र होइन, जीवनका खबर सुनियोस,
अधिकार मात्र होइन, कर्त्ब्य का बोली बोलियोस,
सरकार मात्र होइन, सरोकार का कुरा गरियोस।


भविष्य यस्तो होस्,
समानता होइन, सर्वमान का कुरा गरियोस,
बदनामी मात्र होइन, धन्यवाद का कुरा गरियोस,
बिगार मात्र होइन, सम्मान का कुरा गरियोस,
डर मात्र होइन, आत्मविश्वास का कुरा गरियोस।



सपनामा मात्र होइन, बिपनामा पनि देखियोस,
संविधानमा मात्र होइन, आमका मनमा पनि लेखियोस,
जंहा हाम्रा लाई होइन, राम्रालाई मानियोस,
मेरो देशको भविष्य यस्तो होस्।

Was Buddha Really Born in Nepal?

We all must have read about the boy who was born at Kapilavastu currently located in the Lumbini zone of Nepal. He was born as the son of king Suddhona and queen Mayadevi. He was named as Siddhartha and later he left his royal life and became the peace messenger for the world, who is also known as the light of Asia. He is the one who taught the world the meaning and path of peace, and still we can see people are following his path of peace. Buddha and peace are synonymous with each other. When a talk about peace starts then it always ends with Buddha's philosophy and vice-versa.

Some years ago most of us must have participated in the actions where we were trying to make believe the world that Buddha was born in Nepal. Different steps were followed, some of us carried banners, Facebook status were written to support it, Facebook pages were also created where we shared different proofs which showed that Buddha was born in Nepal. We did as much as we can from our personal side and our government too supported it. We can still find that the currency of 100 has written on it "Buddha was born in Nepal." We did as as much as we can through our words. Neither then nor now we are concerned with why was Buddha born? 

We are just interested to feel proud of his birth place not for his birth purpose. I think Buddha never taught us to be proud for the accident that he was born here. If we are really proud of him then it must have been shown through our actions, we could have started to prove his birth purpose. But who seems to be interested for that? He taught to maintain peace at any cost but we specially the people of Nepal are ready to fight at any cause either it really matters or not. We can fight that's our identity these days. And we still expect that world will keep believing "Buddha was born in Nepal."

Fights and protests in every country is common. But the problem with us is we are ready to fight, either it is with purpose or it is purposeless. We don't only protest, we are ready to be inhuman too. We just need any issue to start a fight or protest. Watch is moving, years are increasing, seasons are passing even our lifestyle have changed but since thirty we are still there. We are fighting within us. The topics are changed but the motto is same. Sometimes it starts with the motto "Backward and forward", later it starts with the motto "Pahadi and Madhesi", at times with the motto "Hindu and Muslim" and so on. Let's give a bit of our life to analyze the newspapers since 15 years. There is not even a single week where we won't find the news, some sort of Nepali killed Nepali. And we are expecting that world will keep believing "Buddha was born in Nepal?"

It's getting more harder to even have a look at daily newspapers of Nepal. 2 killed, 3 shot, 5 kidnapped, 100 hospitalized and the rest bombed.  Headlines always covering some fight or dead bodies and Madan Puraskar is distributed covers just a corner of some inner pages. Since the morning to evening, the Facebook, twitter everywhere I just find tear gas exploded, Nepal police and general citizen fighting somewhere. A child was killed, a female was shot, the old man could not escape and some polices too killed. And how can I expect that the world keeps believing that "Buddha was born in Nepal?"

There are two ways to prove something, one is you prove with your words and your logical reasons that supports it and the second one is you try it through your actions. Both are effective in their own ways. With our words we can prove our statements faster than the later one whereas when we start it with actions it is pretty much sure that it will take time but it is always long lasting. That's  why it is said that "Action speaks more louder than words." Can we start realizing as soon as possible that what our action speaks. 

The world won't understand that either you are a part of government or not. Even they won't ask you that either you participated in the protest or not. They won't be even interested to know that either you carried the flag or the gun. If it continues the same way, then lets start to prepare our answers from today. Because none of our actions support that "Buddha was born in Nepal." In the near future the world will have a single question for all of us "Was Buddha really born in Nepal?"

I am still living those dreams

She told me "you won't understand my feelings unless you get parted with someone who loved you more than everything in his life. And suddenly he says you to get parted without any reason. You are getting punished for the mistakes you have never committed." I knew, her boyfriend broke up with her just last Friday and she does not even have sufficient reasons to get over it. Relationships are quite complicated, sometimes you need a reason to love a person, later you start finding reasons to forget them. Sometimes you have no idea how to start, later you start looking for it's ending. Similar series of events had happened in Natasha's life. I had no idea how to even console her. I just wanted to make her feel comfortable which seemed  quite tough then. 

She again started  saying ,"Can you believe Promisha, he broke up with me because I wouldn't make a good daughter-in-law for his mom and dad, his dad keeps advising." I had no idea about these things but only thing I wanted to make her understand was "Yeah! They are right. According to our Nepalese society, you can never be a good daughter-in-law if you come from some other caste or you believe in some other religion. Most of the relationships end up due to some of these stupid reasons. Not only your relationship, the whole country better to say whole world believes these sort of things and the reason behind every war is the systems which really has no meaning, so not only you the whole world is punished for this nonsense reason or some sort of crime they never committed."  I again tried to make her smile but she was almost in tears. 

I was confused. I decided to sing with the rhythm of her heart. I asked ,"Would you like to hear a story? It's about my beloved, who never told me he was leaving." She nodded. While counseling my clients at Mahottari, I learnt that the counselor alone cannot make a depressed soul feel better, let them read sad stories and hear sad songs that is only the panacea for instance. Later they can be remedied with positive thoughts. 

I started.

No relationships are ever over until two souls are completely detached. May be your partner is not visible to you, maybe you are not able to touch him, maybe you are not able to hear his voice through your ear but when it comes to your soul, you start feeling their existence, believing they are, not for everyone but just for you. Their absence is more than others presence in your life. When you are alone, you start living with them in your virtual world.

I don't get any idea, how I am supposed to judge myself, am I the unlucky one  because we parted so early or the lucky one because we shared some part of our life together. We shared our feelings, our dreams, our interests and moreover some time with each other. We cared and loved each other. And this is what a perfect relationship needs.

I don't know, how my pen feels but I always feel the same energy in my body when I start writing about him. My mind is always ready with words to explain him. He was the one, whose hands were ready to welcome me in this new world. When doctor kept me in his hands, he smiled and named me as Pooja, which means worship. He used to say me that I am his princess or some angel to him, I am his worship.  He really meant that. 

His words are still alive in my mind. As I was the first child in my family, I was grown up with lots of love. Later due to his job, dad left home and visited us twice or thrice a year. While he came, he brought a lot of gifts for me. But the best gift for me was his lap where I could sleep safely, with no worries. Once my grandma organized a Ramarcha Pooja at home. Dad brought a beautiful white colored fairylike dress for me. I was happy wearing that. I was feeling like a Fairy. The day was good. Everyone was busy managing for the event. I too was waiting for the prasad to eat. Actually I was not interested in pooja… I was interested in fruits so called prasad, which was kept in front of Krishna's idol. I couldn't control so I insisted dad to bring some for me, from there. He tried to make me understand but I told him if you really love me then get some for me, otherwise I won't believe from now that you truly love me. He went there without taking any time and brought some for me. I was happy and started eating. Mom came near us, and she started to scold. I was enjoying the fruits so mom's word didn't matter to me. When mom's word were over, dad told her, "May be that idol has some meaning to you, you regularly worship it, but I worship the one whom you conceived and gave me as a baby girl after nine months, so I stole some fruits from your god to my worship, I am sorry for that." I could not get those words then but I understand it now. I made him prove how much he loved me. 

One day some kind of letter addressed to him was delivered at our home. The letter was from his office and he was supposed to be there tomorrow. Mom packed his bags as to reach tomorrow he must leave today, and it was the day of Shivaratri. I don't know why but I was feeling bad, because we had planned to visit Jaleswornath Temple, which needs to be canceled. I asked to dad, please be here now, you can go tomorrow. But he made me understand this time ,"All the things in this world are not supposed to be as you plan it, sometimes you need to accept how the life comes to you. " I nodded. He asked me, "can my pooja handle her mom and brothers when I am not here. Is she a brave girl?" I still don't get it that either it was he or the time was asking to me, and making me understand something which was going to happen in near future. I promised him to be a brave girl and a good daughter to him and mom as well. He wished me a goodbye waving his hands. I did the same.

I took my examinations and passed it. Now I was going to be a student of 4th grade. I was waiting for dad with my good report card. He will be here in a week grandpa informed us. All of us were waiting for him. Next day we received two postcards from postman. It was dad who sent it for us. One was for My brother Adarsh wishing him his belated birthday, and the next was for all of us wishing "Happy new year-2057", I still have it in my diary. 

Finally the day came. We were prepared for his arrival. Mom was cooking some special dishes for him. Grandma was making some designs on a handkerchief with some colorful threads. One of our neighboring uncle came and he asked that where is grandpa. Grandma answered him he is outside. Mom asked him for tea but he refused, he was sad and hurried at the same time. He again asked for grandpa but grandma answered him again the same. He looked outside and then his eyes caught grandpa. He hurried to approach him. He started to say something to grandpa, but his tears were faster than words. He couldn't say it. He burst into tears. After a minute mom and grandma were too there. Finally, he put it into words "Your son is no more." Again he burst into tears. My mom could not handle herself, it was quite difficult to her to believe that for whom she is cooking is not coming back ever. She fainted. Grandma and grandpa too burst into tears. Our neighbors came to console my family but it was tough then too. They entered kitchen and turned off the gas. I even could not get then what was going on and why this all sort of sudden drama have started now. I got it only on the next day when I saw him lying on a bed decorated beautifully with flowers. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be with him there in his lap. But none allowed me. One of my uncle stopped me when I touched my father to wake him up. He caught me in his lap. I wanted to be out of his lap and to be in my hero's lap where I belong. I wanted to make my uncle know that I was not comfortable there. I was trying to talk to my hero, and make him happy with my 3rd grade report cards.

My neighbor came and broke the bangles of my mother. Since then she has never worn any bangles. My mom and grandma kept crying for days. Relatives visited us to console. Everyone came but my hero never came. My eyes and my report card kept waiting for him. For years I awaited for him. After years I understood that he is dead and the people who are dead never come back. I didn't have any idea, but I remember I had promised him to be a good daughter to Mom as well as a brave girl. I knew his dreams so I started living with them.

Although he is not alive for world but when I close my eyes I still feel his love. I was a part of the relationship so I still keep writing about him and our love. Our relationship gets a meaning when we are able to keep it alive either the partner is present or absent. Our partner's  presence or absence accumulates some energy in us and it's totally up to us on how we utilize it, I chose this way now it's your turn dear.

And finally she smiled. I saw the accumulating hopes in her eyes.