I am still living those dreams

She told me "you won't understand my feelings unless you get parted with someone who loved you more than everything in his life. And suddenly he says you to get parted without any reason. You are getting punished for the mistakes you have never committed." I knew, her boyfriend broke up with her just last Friday and she does not even have sufficient reasons to get over it. Relationships are quite complicated, sometimes you need a reason to love a person, later you start finding reasons to forget them. Sometimes you have no idea how to start, later you start looking for it's ending. Similar series of events had happened in Natasha's life. I had no idea how to even console her. I just wanted to make her feel comfortable which seemed  quite tough then. 

She again started  saying ,"Can you believe Promisha, he broke up with me because I wouldn't make a good daughter-in-law for his mom and dad, his dad keeps advising." I had no idea about these things but only thing I wanted to make her understand was "Yeah! They are right. According to our Nepalese society, you can never be a good daughter-in-law if you come from some other caste or you believe in some other religion. Most of the relationships end up due to some of these stupid reasons. Not only your relationship, the whole country better to say whole world believes these sort of things and the reason behind every war is the systems which really has no meaning, so not only you the whole world is punished for this nonsense reason or some sort of crime they never committed."  I again tried to make her smile but she was almost in tears. 

I was confused. I decided to sing with the rhythm of her heart. I asked ,"Would you like to hear a story? It's about my beloved, who never told me he was leaving." She nodded. While counseling my clients at Mahottari, I learnt that the counselor alone cannot make a depressed soul feel better, let them read sad stories and hear sad songs that is only the panacea for instance. Later they can be remedied with positive thoughts. 

I started.

No relationships are ever over until two souls are completely detached. May be your partner is not visible to you, maybe you are not able to touch him, maybe you are not able to hear his voice through your ear but when it comes to your soul, you start feeling their existence, believing they are, not for everyone but just for you. Their absence is more than others presence in your life. When you are alone, you start living with them in your virtual world.

I don't get any idea, how I am supposed to judge myself, am I the unlucky one  because we parted so early or the lucky one because we shared some part of our life together. We shared our feelings, our dreams, our interests and moreover some time with each other. We cared and loved each other. And this is what a perfect relationship needs.

I don't know, how my pen feels but I always feel the same energy in my body when I start writing about him. My mind is always ready with words to explain him. He was the one, whose hands were ready to welcome me in this new world. When doctor kept me in his hands, he smiled and named me as Pooja, which means worship. He used to say me that I am his princess or some angel to him, I am his worship.  He really meant that. 

His words are still alive in my mind. As I was the first child in my family, I was grown up with lots of love. Later due to his job, dad left home and visited us twice or thrice a year. While he came, he brought a lot of gifts for me. But the best gift for me was his lap where I could sleep safely, with no worries. Once my grandma organized a Ramarcha Pooja at home. Dad brought a beautiful white colored fairylike dress for me. I was happy wearing that. I was feeling like a Fairy. The day was good. Everyone was busy managing for the event. I too was waiting for the prasad to eat. Actually I was not interested in pooja… I was interested in fruits so called prasad, which was kept in front of Krishna's idol. I couldn't control so I insisted dad to bring some for me, from there. He tried to make me understand but I told him if you really love me then get some for me, otherwise I won't believe from now that you truly love me. He went there without taking any time and brought some for me. I was happy and started eating. Mom came near us, and she started to scold. I was enjoying the fruits so mom's word didn't matter to me. When mom's word were over, dad told her, "May be that idol has some meaning to you, you regularly worship it, but I worship the one whom you conceived and gave me as a baby girl after nine months, so I stole some fruits from your god to my worship, I am sorry for that." I could not get those words then but I understand it now. I made him prove how much he loved me. 

One day some kind of letter addressed to him was delivered at our home. The letter was from his office and he was supposed to be there tomorrow. Mom packed his bags as to reach tomorrow he must leave today, and it was the day of Shivaratri. I don't know why but I was feeling bad, because we had planned to visit Jaleswornath Temple, which needs to be canceled. I asked to dad, please be here now, you can go tomorrow. But he made me understand this time ,"All the things in this world are not supposed to be as you plan it, sometimes you need to accept how the life comes to you. " I nodded. He asked me, "can my pooja handle her mom and brothers when I am not here. Is she a brave girl?" I still don't get it that either it was he or the time was asking to me, and making me understand something which was going to happen in near future. I promised him to be a brave girl and a good daughter to him and mom as well. He wished me a goodbye waving his hands. I did the same.

I took my examinations and passed it. Now I was going to be a student of 4th grade. I was waiting for dad with my good report card. He will be here in a week grandpa informed us. All of us were waiting for him. Next day we received two postcards from postman. It was dad who sent it for us. One was for My brother Adarsh wishing him his belated birthday, and the next was for all of us wishing "Happy new year-2057", I still have it in my diary. 

Finally the day came. We were prepared for his arrival. Mom was cooking some special dishes for him. Grandma was making some designs on a handkerchief with some colorful threads. One of our neighboring uncle came and he asked that where is grandpa. Grandma answered him he is outside. Mom asked him for tea but he refused, he was sad and hurried at the same time. He again asked for grandpa but grandma answered him again the same. He looked outside and then his eyes caught grandpa. He hurried to approach him. He started to say something to grandpa, but his tears were faster than words. He couldn't say it. He burst into tears. After a minute mom and grandma were too there. Finally, he put it into words "Your son is no more." Again he burst into tears. My mom could not handle herself, it was quite difficult to her to believe that for whom she is cooking is not coming back ever. She fainted. Grandma and grandpa too burst into tears. Our neighbors came to console my family but it was tough then too. They entered kitchen and turned off the gas. I even could not get then what was going on and why this all sort of sudden drama have started now. I got it only on the next day when I saw him lying on a bed decorated beautifully with flowers. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be with him there in his lap. But none allowed me. One of my uncle stopped me when I touched my father to wake him up. He caught me in his lap. I wanted to be out of his lap and to be in my hero's lap where I belong. I wanted to make my uncle know that I was not comfortable there. I was trying to talk to my hero, and make him happy with my 3rd grade report cards.

My neighbor came and broke the bangles of my mother. Since then she has never worn any bangles. My mom and grandma kept crying for days. Relatives visited us to console. Everyone came but my hero never came. My eyes and my report card kept waiting for him. For years I awaited for him. After years I understood that he is dead and the people who are dead never come back. I didn't have any idea, but I remember I had promised him to be a good daughter to Mom as well as a brave girl. I knew his dreams so I started living with them.

Although he is not alive for world but when I close my eyes I still feel his love. I was a part of the relationship so I still keep writing about him and our love. Our relationship gets a meaning when we are able to keep it alive either the partner is present or absent. Our partner's  presence or absence accumulates some energy in us and it's totally up to us on how we utilize it, I chose this way now it's your turn dear.

And finally she smiled. I saw the accumulating hopes in her eyes.