A Gloomy Moon

what if , I say you
I am a gloomy moon,
that lights in phases,
one day as darkness,
and a day as full moon
and easily accepts

existence of other lights,

either a candle or a bulb
who understand meaning of
each individual fights.

oh!darling, I know,
you don't understand
such stories of loss
you have learnt,
to shine alone,
like the sun does, each day
taking out other's existence .

oh!darling , I know you!

एउटा सत्य

उता तिम्रो विदेश यात्रा, यता मेरो बलात्कृत शरीर

उता तिम्रो डलरको आगमन, यता मेरो दहकिएको मुटु

कहिले म नारी भएको नाममा,

कहिले म अशक्त भएको समयमा,

कहीं मेरो गरिबी को आडमा,

कहिले देशमा भुकम्प गएको सालमा,

तिमी अरबौं डलर को व्यापार गर,

म संधै बलात्कृत भइरहने छु,

आखिर तिम्रो पेट पाल्न,

तिम्रा सन्तान विदेश पठाउन,

चुनावको बेला दुइ छाक खाएर,

मैले तिमीलाई जुन मत दिए,

त्यस्का लागि मेरो शरीर बलि चढ्नै पर्छ,

मेरो आसुं बेचिनै पर्छ।

तिम्रो युरोप भ्रमणको लागि,

मेरो गरिबी बेचिनै पर्छ,

तिम्रो पेरिसको सपिंगको लागि,

म अशक्त हुनै पर्छ,

तिम्रो अगाडी पछाडी रक्षक हुन,

म भोकै सुत्नै पर्छ,

भो भयो नगर आब न्यायका भाषण,

तिमीले सत्ता बचाईराख्न,

मैले अन्याय सहनैपर्छ।

Don't Make it a Taboo, It's Natural !

Menstruation also called:  periods. One of the most common phenomena of the world in women.

A step towards motherhood. A regular physical, mental stress. A less discussed truth in our society.

She goes through extreme pain, but that is too much of a shame to discuss. Not a good enough reason to give her a break from work. We talk about hygiene, we proudly discuss diseases, but how many times has someone discussed menstrual hygiene? Neither is it stated as basic needs nor an optional one. But listen to me, maybe you don’t need it but I am a woman so, from age of 12 to 50, it’s my basic need.

Reusable Pads
Photo Credit: Working as Angels 

Period drops of blood are waste of body they say, they need to be disposed of properly. Women go through a severe hormonal change during that time of the month, they are mentally and physically distressed, they not only need to maintain hygiene but also need love and care. Oh! And be careful, you cannot enter religious places during that time of the month, a hidden bar stands. But do the goddesses also take a leave 4 days a month? Makes us wonder…

I am an independent working woman of the 21^st century, or so as they call it, I talk about women and their equality but why am I still not open and confident to discuss menstruation openly? Why when it’s about period either awkwardness or embarrassment takes over? I don’t know why I still cannot ask my father or brother to prepare a hot water bag for me or I don’t ask my boss for leave because I just started with my monthly natural call. I still cannot express my pain and ask them for a Meftal spa, why it can’t be them sometimes who can get me a sanitary pad.

Why do I still cover up my menstrual pain with a headache or stomach ache? Why do I still say “I am not feeling well”, why can’t I say “I am having menstrual cramps”.

And why when I ask the shopkeeper for a pad, he looks around for a newspaper to wrap it in. Why can’t a public eye digest the fact that “YES I am a woman, yes I go through menstruation cycle and yes I use a pad? So What?” Let me clear you more, my uterus bleeds every month so for caring it I need sanitary pads.

The starting point of every life is the same blood which when comes out as a monthly cycle, is a disgrace to the society, not only life begins there, they spend 9 months of their life in that cocoon, that shelter doesn’t differentiate a girl or a boy. But as soon as they are out of it, then it is a shame to talk about. Isn’t it high time we push for a change? Let’s discuss menstrual hygiene and make healthy maternal health. Let’s understand the emotional, physical and mental stress a woman suffers every month. All we need to do is, care for them a little more. 

The Texts

Casual texts,

Expressing love,
Carrying dreams.
Every night visits me,
With a life,
We could have lived,
With a love
We could have expressed,
With the family
We could have made,
With the smiles
We could have shared.
Leaves me
With reverberating souls,
Decked heart,

With despair hopes.
As morning awakes
From its deep sleep
And terrifies them
Of consent death.
Oh! Poor texts.

नयन कथा

आफ्नो मुहार खोज्छू, ती नयनमा
तर भेट्दिन।
आफ्ना आकार खोज्छू, त्यो मुटुमा
अहं भेट्दिन।
आफ्नो संसार खोज्छु, त्यो हृदयमा
कठै! भेट्दिन।
आफ्नै संस्कार खोज्छु, ती छविमा
कतै भेट्दिन।


अनि फर्किन्छु, आफ्नै एकान्तमा,
छुट्टै संसार बनाउन,
एक्लै रमाउन,
मुटुको भारी फुकाउन,
तिम्रा लागि सजाएका, सपनाको संसार चुडाउन ।

Biodata for Marriage

Unquestionably it was not the first time I have heard the word biodata when my mom asked for a copy of it. I got amazed or will be better to say shocked. I could not even predict why she needs it. So, politely I replied her including some smiles,” Mom I already have a good job and I am satisfied with it and you are not getting a job at this age even if you go with my bio-data. ” She replied, “There are some social uses of bio-data too. I am searching a life partner for you and boy’s family needs your bio-data.”

For fixing daughter’s marriage girl’s side should approach boy’s house, a culture of Terai. Needless to say, as we have heard, the dowry gets fixed there but I have heard these days lots of marriages are even dowryless. I was aware of all that but using biodata for marriage purpose was completely a new concept to me. When I was a kid, my aunt and uncle got married, then girl’s picture was all that a family takes to show the boy side. From when since bio-data started? No idea at all!

I chatted to some of my newly married girlfriends from Janakpur, “do girl’s family really carry their bio-data too if they are going for a marriage proposal?” They replied me quite easily with the same answer, “Yes it’s been since years.” I realized I am the obsolete one, having no idea of current marriage trends. I recalled all the marriages I have been especially during the fixing but could not find a single bio-data in my memory. You can say my mind was bio-dataless.

So it was my turn to print a new copy of my bio-data. In the recent job system bio-data word is totally absent, definitely, every company demands your CV along with a cover letter. So I just thought to replace it with my recent CV. I wrote my personal details including my academic qualifications, facebook link, and blog address as well. Now I got confused, should I write my job experience there or not along with the company name? Am I supposed to write my technical skills like C, C++, Java? Should I include my extra-curricular achievements? Should I include my training and participations or not? What would the girl’s write if they demand a cover letter? And the most confusing part, what would be the subject of the cover letter? Last but not the least should I write about the references too, if yes then who would be the one? And what about the recommendation letter? How would be these things judged? Some of my confusions.

My confusions led me to analyze how time have changed. Ten years ago a girl’s beauty and her father’s duty to pay dowry were the factors that could only be the cause of marriage. But these days they care about a girl’s education, her ability, her skills and more that she has achieved yet. So, recently I have attended several arrange marriages at Janakpur and they are completely dowry-less and probably bio-data would have been one among the possible factors. Marriage system is getting changed. Even MA sociology syllabus of TU talks about Terai then it’s regarding the only dowry. So, their perceptions should be changed. Neither all the marriages in Terai are dowry based nor Terai is all about dowry. I am hopeful, someday all the marriage relations in our society would be based on compatibility between going to be partners and definitely, in-laws would be proud of their new member’s bio-data and would help her to make it better. 

Diverse Life

As the counting of seconds are increasing in my life, I feel getting closer to a single sentence, “Life is all about diversity.” Each second of life is very different from the its successors and predecessors.  Someday, I get up very early with a very happy mood but when I get to bed I am really upset, on the same day, and vice-versa. In some seasons I am ok in my pajamas and in the next I demand woolen clothes and again in the next those woolen are waste, I am looking for pajamas only. On somedays I cannot move a single step without umbrella and on some days I feel them useless. Some moments, my face is faded with tears and later my lips are detaching to explore smiles. Same movies are favorite for some of us while others hate it. Some people are crazy fans of cricket, whereas some find it a complete waste of time.

During childhood, I felt quite confused with why don’t everyone studies science and becomes scientist. Later I came to know, I don’t have the idea of versatility of each subjects. As I grew up I got to know the theory of diversity. And I found, neither scientists alone can handle the world nor the artists. Fools are equally important as wise ones. They have different roles contributing to world. One of them can never replace the other. So do the gender, caste, religion exists.

The most important part is how diversely you accept these diversities,either being happy or with tears. Life is not just about accepting those things as they are. Its about either we can mix our smiles with them or not and make them more diverse than they are. All the diversities come to every single person same ways but its our attitude that makes it more diverse. There lies a single line between happiness and sorrow i.e. the acceptance. Some incidents comes to us in very unknown ways, may be they are failures, dissatisfaction, poverty etc. the way of acceptance defines them. Life is not all about expecting the similar things that is used to for us, its about accepting the unexpected ones with beautiful smiles. Life is definitely a puzzle and its solution lies in the diversity of smiles and laughter.

The most diverse part lies in, at some part of our life we are just a kid which continues forming us a school student  later a university student and then an employee. And the most diverting part is later we give a similar life to our kids. And the world is continued due to the diverse phases of human life.

World without diversities cannot be even imagined. The sun is beautiful because of its diverse colors and the moon is beautiful because of its beautiful scars. The nature is beautiful because of its diverse colors. The mountain is beautiful because of its diverse views. The novel are good because of its diverse readers. The organization is successful due to diverse employees. A person is beautiful because of its diverse characters as child, student, parents, professions, words. So, beauty lies in diversity and its acceptance.

Schoolless Girl

The girl having a shy expression belongs from the Mushar Community and so she can't be enrolled at school.

#OUT_OF_SCHOOL_CHILDREN 

Chandrama , the ambitious girl asks "Is it necessary to be at school if  I can struggle to learn the letters?" 

schoolless

मैं

हं, वहीं दुर, कहीं दुर

मैं खुदसे जब दुर थी

युहीं कहीं मजबुर थी,

देखा करती थी राह

मैं अपने लिए,

कास मैं, अपने पास होती

कास मैं, खुदके साथ होती

और समझलेती,

“मैं कौन हुं, मैं क्या हुं?”

मुस्कुराती, खुदकि परिचय से

लिखसक्ती मैं अपने आत्मशब्द,

और बतासक्ती सबको

“मैं कौन हुं, मै क्या हुं?”

पढ सक्ती अपनी लकिर,

लिखसक्ती अपनी तकदीर,

और सुनासक्ती

“मैं कौन हुं, मै क्या हुं?”

नजाने क्युं मै खुदसे अन्जान थी,

एकही सवाल मेरी जुवान थी,

सवालो मे डुबी जिन्दगी, मेरी पैहचान थी

बडी अजीब सि सवाल मे अट्की हुई मेरी प्राण थी।

तभि तुम आए,

मुस्कुराते,

मुझे मेरी परिचय बताने,

जिन्दगी जिनेको दो शब्द सिखाने,

जो मुझको मुझसे परिचित बनाया,

और मिठे शब्दों मे सम्झाया,

“मैं कौन हुं, मै क्या हुं।”

फिर प्यारसे सम्झाया

“न मैं सवाल हुं, और न जबाब हुं”

न मैं तकदीर कि गुलाम हुं,

न मैं किसि खिची लकिर कि पैगाम हुं,

मैं अलग हूं सबसे अलग,

मैं केवल मैं हुं,

जो अपनी लकिर खुद बनाए, मै वही धार हुं

जो सुन्दरताकी आभाष कराए, मै वही श्रींगार हुं

मै केवल मेरी आकार हुं,

मै केवल मेरी प्यार हुं,

एसे ही तुमने मुझे दिखाया

“मैं कौन हुं, मै क्या हुं।”

Purpose of Life

With each sip of tea specially, I am drowned by the question ,”What does it mean to live? What is the purpose of being alive?” May be not only me most of us have been facing the same question within our heart. The question keeps much haunting all of us, while being a bachelor student or moving ahead with a job. When we are encountered with failures the question gains much power within it. Because, we stop finding the reason behind being alive. Obviously none of us wants to fail, so we keep asking the unanswered one to us, “What is the purpose of living? What is the purpose of life?”

But when we get over all dreams and aims, the question is as simple as it should be. It would never haunt us. It’s the type of question which should be asked all the time with you. Yes! You are a human being and probably an adult or youth. You are living the era of competition and comparison. There must be any purpose behind your life which must prove your aliveness.

Getting the purpose becomes much tough when we start searching it. We search it in our work, is this the purpose for which I was born? We search it at our casual activities, the earnings, the position achieved and many more places. But once we start searching the answer the question becomes more vague and broad. It questions all the awards we have achieved, all the degrees and all those what we worked for. This accident used to be with me all the time, when I too looked for the answer.

Once I dropped my question, there was the beside me always alive with me. May be all of us can feel different purpose of their life in themselves. But I find it different. The purpose of my life is defined when I was born, actually when I was born as a human. Yes! I am I human and my purpose of life is simply practicing humanity. If I earn some money then it must be used for the activities defining humanity. If I learn something it must turn my humanity.

If I am a doctor, I must treat my patient like it’s my own wound. If I am an artist my arts must talk others heart can make them alive. I must be the reason behind the smiles and laughter. Practicing humanity as much as I can. There is a single purpose of being alive, make others alive either they make you alive or not. Once I started doing this job, I was never haunted again. My life have been the answer of all other questions. Aliveness is not about being alive, it’s all about making alive. Make your aliveness a flavor of everyone’s life. Make effort, at anything you perform, like you are performing for humankind. Don’t make aliveness a question. Let it be the answer of all. 

Special Me

In this new era of competition, life starts with comparison and ends with it. None is free from it. All of us is busy just to prove our superiority than others. We are concerned about, "I am best" in any field than others. The journey of comparison, for all of us, starts from our home as, "I am better than my cousin." Later in education where ,"I am the topper of my class" then at offices where "I got awarded as the best employee this year" and so on. In this comparison we forget to feel "my specialty." 

My grandparents ran through it, my mother went through it, so am I. Why was I sent to school ? Just because everyone goes. Why was I admitted to engineering school, Just because everyone says. What was I taught all these days? Just what everyone reads. Why didn't they taught me to be the different one? I don’t want to be at your pass list or fail list. Why don’t you create some special list for me. Why don’t you teach me, to write my own book before I read yours. I don’t want to be you, who won the race. I want to be at audience group, who never runs, just observes. I want to be your audience, who pays for seat before he sits.

It's not only mine and your problem. We all are running through the same race. We are born at different time and place, but all of us run the same race. Maybe I am senior than you, maybe you are smarter than me but we belong to the same world, the world of competition and comparison. We are different, but we want to be the same, "The best one." Hard to believe!

Why don’t you create a race, where there is no winner no looser, all is just special one. why do we need to tag everyone with best or worst, good or bad? Why don’t we try to make different tags for all or remove the all tags? Why we are taught to be the richest one? Why we are not asked, "who wants to be a beggar?" Yes! all expectation are for gaining the richest, best, most intelligent, most beautiful tags. Why don’t we are supposed to be the special one, not the most special among all.

Yes, I want to read where there is no limitation of lessons and no comparison who understood the most? Maybe I read it from the different perceptions than you. Maybe at my perception no question arises. The sun is special, the moon is special, so am I and so do you. Let's be special to feel our specialty. Neither I am you nor you are me, so why the comparison between us?

Maybe for you they may look like same, but ask them , they can make you understand they are special. They may look like same but they are special within them.

दुखनी चमार

दुखनी चमार के दुख हजार,

किनका सुनाउ, वयस्त छै संसार।

मधेसमे घर छै, नइहर बिहार

घरके टाट टुटल, बडेरी ओलार,

खानपिन आधापेट, पहिरन गवांर,

जुत्ता बनबैछै, बेचैछै पेटार,

बेटा ब्लैकिया, साईं छै कतार,

किनका सुनाउ, वयस्त छै संसार।

घर अंहार, अंगना अंहार

लालटेन किनलौं, ओहो बेकार

कहां करु नोकरी, कि करु व्यपार

शलहेश पुजली, नै सुनलखिन पुकार

नै सुने लोग, नै सनैय सरकार,

किनका सुनाउ, आखिर वयस्त छै संसार।

Am I coward?

Prescript: It's not intended to hurt anyone personally. Some people are genuinely working for social issues, It's not to hurt their feelings. It's about the issues which is growing in our society, and intended to flow a message not to use them for personal benefit.

I beg your pardon if it hurts you personally.

To know the difference between right and wrong is one of the basic idea in all human being. We all know the right path and decision should be followed. But implementing the right ideas in practical life is quite different than learning. Sometimes, we know the path we are following is wrong, but we don't dare to take the right one. Due to lack of some courage, starts cowardice that leaves a guilt in us.

Once I was back to home from a campaign named "Stop Dowry". At home, I found a girl's parents were paying dowry for her marriage with one of the boy of my family. I was asked to keep the money in locker. As my step of protest I disobeyed my family and did not keep the money but I could not raise a single word for stopping dowry at my own home. I felt guilty for the event then and now. I just decided "Dowry needs to be stopped" inside me. Since then I am haunted by a question, "Am I coward?"

After completing my bachelor's studies I worked in different sectors. Within my small professional life I traveled more. I met females working  in different sectors and at different levels, from VDC level to national levels. During the conversations, I came to know that most of the females have suffered sexual harassment during their professional carrier. Some of them were victimized physically whereas some of them were victimized by rude words of their seniors.

If I suppose those talks as literal proofs, then most of the females have the idea about the right against sexual harassment. But they don't use it. In most cases they are harassed by their office heads. If they file a case or raise a voice against it, firstly they are most probably fired from the job in case of private companies. But the scenario is more complicated at government sectors. If the girls are new comers and working on some contract, and if  they ask for leave or any support for their office works, first question from their office head is "Can you meet me alone?" It's not the issue at VDC level only. From ward levels to ministries, the conditions are same until the head is too female. Either they ask for transfers or any contract renewal, they face the same question. Some of them even resign to get out of that situation, whereas some of them ignore their question as well as their problem, whereas in worse situation some get victimized. If they raise their voice, then heads have more links and they settle it easily by relating it with their bad performance at work.

Most of the offices have the idea about women empowerment, but I have met even the persons who deliver fine lectures about these issues while holding a mike in public but when they leave the mike they ask the same question. The lecture about gender empowerment and social inclusion is a way to earn money.

I met the children too who are victimized by sexual abuse. I have seen the children working at hotels. I have seen persons charging money to uneducated people for their basic rights which needs no money according to government rules. I have seen the husbands torturing their wives. I have seen untouchability. I have seen the people who just raise the issues to earn money and make the social issue a business. But  all I could perform was sympathizing me and the victims. I could not raise the voice for them. So I get haunted by the question, "Am I coward?"

Oh! Almighty Power

Oh! almighty power of universe,

wherever you are

whatever you are

Oh! seen and unseen power

I know,

somewhere you are

I feel,

something you are

Oh! lord of deaths and lives,

let me thank you,

for empty canvas of life

gifted me on birth,

for plain brocade of time

handed me with birth.

I want to thank you for,

ups and downs

smiles and tears

failures and crowns

strength and fears.

I got to thank you,

for,

the  brinish and sweet taste of life,

the struggles and comforts of life,

the brims and peace of life.

Oh! almighty god

power of the universe,

I have to thank you

for all,

absent and present in my life,

who hates or loves me

who teases or cares me

who pleases or fears me

who bores or entertains me.

oh! one in all

all in all,

I want to thank you

for,

achievements and failures,

flower and thrones,

gold and coals,

days and night,

dark and bright

all part of life.

Oh! almighty power

I have to thank you

for,

accepting and rejecting my prayers.

I want to thank you

for the versatility of life.

Oh! almighty power.

Let's raise right issues!

Nature may have created all livings and non-livings with huge effort. Among all, it must have created humans with love and emotion too. It cares about us all the time, may be so it manages the resources for us everywhere. It tries as much as it can, makes us reachable to resource and use it. But although it have tried much, some of us are still facing issues. Some of them are created by nature like flood, earthquake etc whereas some of them are created by humans themselves like dowry, inequality, sexual harassment etc.

Most of us are working for those issues so that resources can be made accessible to everyone. Everyone can live a better life. We are trying to overcome all issues either those are by nature or humans. Government organizations, I/NGOs all are working for solving the issues. Some of them have already solved some issues whereas some of them are working and some of them are failed too. There are lots of faces devoted for giving everyone a good life. Whereas there are lots of faces these days who create more issues by raising one issue. They are raising issues for the needed ones but they start it with the wrong way as well as inappropriate words. If issues are raised with right voice and right words they get solution and everyone is benefited. What if they lack the right direction and right words? Raising issues of society is good, because we always need some people to speak if something wrong is going on, but raising the wrong issues and wasting resources for it is crime.

For instance, If in some colony lacks food and it is thrived to starvation. If all the members, men and women, are suffering.  What if we write it as," Again women rights could not reach here. The women of the colony are starving. Where is government? " After reading the statement above government would never take it as the problem of poverty. It will start working for women rights and launch some programs there. Is women right need of the colony at the time? What would be the result? Probably all the people, men and women, would die of poverty or may be their condition would be worse. And it would be all for a single reason ,"raising the wrong issue." What would it have been if it was raised as ,"people of colony starved. Where is government?"  Later issue could take the stakeholders towards the right solution and probably people can be saved.

Lets raise the issues in order to get proper solution of it and address it. If the problem is not identified correctly it can never get the correct solution. The real problems get solution, created problems can never get. These days issues are not the real issue, raising wrong issue is the main issue. Specially, Nepal is already bound with lots of problems, let's not create more by raising wrong issues. Women's right, gender discrimination are the genuine issues and so many resources have been utilized to uplift the lives, but don't mix it with all the problems. Think twice before we raise an issue, if we are raising right issue then we will can get closer to its solution and if you are raising wrong issue then we can prevent world from more issue by dropping it  or searching the right way to raise it.

 

A face of volunteerism

“Volunteering for me is all about being able to give instant and long term happiness to all. May be they are the people whom we watch regularly or maybe we have never seen them in our whole life. Getting inspired with my own definition, I started to volunteer for empowering women of the Terai community of Nepal. I started my journey to educate them so that they can decide their life and volunteer for others who they used to be. 

The world can be happier place only if all of us are living happily. But in most places we can see that there men have only life, women are just their service provider or commodity to them. Women are concerned as service to men, their self existence is questioned? For the independence of my community, I tried to educate the women informally. I taught them to realize, "their own existence, their role." Nature is incomplete without them. I started this movement from Mahottari district a year ago and included some formal and non-formal education during my sessions. All the sessions are equally memorable to me and smile on those faces are unforgettable.

One of the sessions which is most memorable moment to me. We, me and my students, were talking about women rights in world. One old grandmother said ,"So we are equal to world. " I realized I am a good teacher and a good volunteer too. Because the grandmother have never felt her own existence and equality in society. And I answered her ,"Yes! all women are. Women are volunteer by nature that does not mean that they have no rights." This movement have increased women literacy, decision making roles of women in society and their participation in all events.

It is not a formal organization. Some of the women of local community run the program. The smiles in all the faces and positive confidence towards life in them drives me there. These days some of the local men are too attending the sessions so they can understand about the women rights and implement in their life.”

क्युं?

सुबह तुम्हारी, रौशनी तुम्हारे,

अंधकार ही सारे मेरे क्युं?

अंधकार चलो दिए तो दिए

उन अंधकारकी चन्द्रमा भी तुम्हारे क्युं?

क्या मैने ऐसा मांगलिया

जो तुम दे नही सकते,

आखिर दे नही कुछ सकते,

तो देनेका इसारा दिखाया क्युं?

घरमे लेना है इतना मुश्किल

तो बाहर जाके हम मांगे क्युं?

आदिकवि तुम्हारे, महाकवि तुम

तो मैं तुम्हारी धर्तीको अपना मांगु क्युं?

स्वर्ग तुम्हारी, जन्नत तुम्हारे

बचाखुचा नर्क मेरा क्युं?

नर्क मेरा हुवा तो हुवा,

ये नर्क चलानेवाला यमराज तुम्हारा क्युं?

Journey to Journey

Setting out  for journey to journey,

thoughts aroused for destination,

but glad my heart, obsessed with journey

prayed for the longest road ever,

that never ends, anywhere.

When one ends, it seems

a part is ended,

it's never ending,

its nested in itself,

it’s a journey to journey.

Travelling with the longest road

thinking of the next October,

when one October ends,

no November starts,

One October's end, starts the next October

Yes! travelling with only Octobers,

I started, journey to journey.

Wearing- the shabby shoes,

Holding-the torn hopes,

when one hope dies,

the next rises,

where no failure touches,

where death of one, passes life to other

With the cycle of hopes,

I travel, journey to journey.

Walking through the unpaved  roads,

Watching the shriveled trees,

Kissing its last leaf,

the way continues,

with full adventures,

with loving humors,

with sudden turmoil,

living the journey to journey.

प्रेम पत्र

प्रिय माही,

पत्रको औपचारिकता पुरा गर्न प्रिय भनेर संबोधन। सायद मेरो आत्माभित्र रहेको प्रेमको कारणले पनि मैले प्रिय संबोधन गर्दै छु। अचम्म लाग्छ, जब जब यी प्रेमिल सांझहरु दोहोरिन्छन् अनि एक्लै बसेर किन कल्पन मन लाग्छ, किन हजुरलाई सम्झन मन लाग्छ। त्यो सांझको अन्धकार र प्रेममा डुब्न मन लाग्छ। सामाजिकता र दायित्वको दरो खम्बा समाएर उभिएकी प्रोमिशा एकान्तमा कर्तव्य भुल्छे, जिन्दगी भुल्छे र हजुरसंग रमाउंछे। विवश यो आत्मा, विवश यो हृदय अनि आज विवशता र भयानकताको तडपबाट मुक्ति पाउने आशामा उहिले देखि हृदयान्तरमा गुम्सिएर रहेका चाहनाका भण्डारलाई छच्ल्क्याउने दुष्प्रयास गर्दै छु। यस अनभिज्ञताको परिधिभित्र कोरिएका सम्पुर्ण भुलप्रति क्षमायाचना। न म प्रेमको बारेमा लेखिने काव्य वा उपन्यासकि लेखिका हुं, न म प्रेमकी खेलाडी नै। म त केवल हजुरको सतव्यहवार र सतआत्मबीच सबैभन्दा बढी हजुरले खेलेको खेलबीच अल्झिएको एक आत्मा हुं। न म तोडन् सक्छु न त पोख्न नै, केवल छच्ल्क्याउन मात्रै। रोमियो जुलियत, राधाकृष्ण जस्तो मेरो प्रेम महान त पक्कै नहोला तर हजुरको खुशीमा मेरा ओठमा हासों र दुःखमा आत्माबाटै साथ हुनेछ भन्ने वाचा गर्दछु।

हुन संसारका ठुल्ठुला उपन्यासकार र दार्शनिकहरुले पुर्णतः परिभाषित गर्न नसकेको यो प्रेमको बारेमा म के नै भन्न सकुला र? तर एकचोटी आफ्नो मनमा महसुस गरेको भावनाहरु भन्न चाहन्छु। म आफ्नो अन्तरहृदयमा हजुरलाई महसुस गर्न सक्छु, के यही प्रेम होइन र? म आँखा बन्द गरेपनि हजुरका छविहरुलाई देख्न सक्छु, के यही प्रेम होइन र? आफ्नो एकान्तमा हजुरलाई समझेर रूम्मलिन सक्छु, रमाउन सक्छु, म हजुरका यादमा डुब्न सक्छु। आफ्ना कर्तव्य र अधिकार, सम्पुर्ण अनाकार ती आकारलाई बिर्सन सक्छु र केवल हजुरसंगै बांचेको हुन्छु। सायद म छू भन्ने कुरा पनि बिर्सन्छु। 'म छु' भित्रको 'म' पनि हराएर जान्छ केवल 'छू' भन्ने मात्र आभाष गर्छु। सायद यस पत्रको सहायताले मात्र हजुरलाई पनि ठम्याउन गाह्रै होला, कसैले कसैलाई नचिनेर पन यति माया गर्न सक्छ र? किनकि यस संसारमा हरेक कामको लागि परिचय प्रथम चीज हो। हरेक प्रेममा पनि परिचय पछि प्रेम हुन्छ तर सायद जरुरी छैन, प्रेम पछि पनि परिचय गर्न सकिन्छ, परिचय नभएपनि प्रेममात्र पनि गर्न सकिन्छ किनकि कहिलेकांही प्रेम नै परिचय हुन्छ।

अतिततिर फर्किदां म आफुपनि अचम्भित हुन्छु। कसरी हजुरको प्रतिभाले मेरो मुटुमा यस्तो डोब बनायो? हुनत प्रतिभाको कदर संसारमा सबैले नै गर्छन् तर हजुरको प्रतिभाले मलाई प्रेमी बनायो, प्रेम गर्न सिकायो। हजुरको जीवनको प्रथम प्रतिभाशाली प्रदर्शनबाट नै प्रभावित भएर म प्रेममा नपरेकी होइन। आफ्नो जीवनको सफलताकोलागि कर्म गर्ने म कर्मयोगी भएपनि भाग्यले मलाई जहिले हजुरको प्रतिभा हेर्ने मौका प्रदान गरिरहयो। किनकिन हजुरको प्रदर्शनले मलाई छुट्टै प्रसन्नताको अनुभुति हुन्छ। शताब्दीऔं सम्म बिर्सन नसकिने हजुरको त्यो खेल मलाई अझसम्म पनि याद छ र रहिरहने छ। बाध्यता र प्रेम नामका दुई छुट्टै डोरीबाट बांधिएकि म, मनमा हजुरकै प्रेम संचय गरेकी संचिता हुं। भौगोलिक आधारमा धेरै दुरी भएपनि, समृतिमा हजुरलाई राखेर बांच्ने स्मिता हुं, हजुरकै प्रेम संगीतमा रमाउने संगीता हुं।

कहां हजुर त्यो आकाशको चन्द्रमा, कहां म यस धर्तीकी एक पोखरी। चन्द्रमाको छायांमात्र पोखरीमा देखिन्छ, चन्द्रमा स्वयं कहिले पोखरीमा आउंदैन भन्ने थाहा पाएपनि, कुनै दिन यस पोखरीको पानी सागरमा गएर मिल्नेछ र त्यस चन्द्रमाको गुरुत्वाकर्षणलाई कमसेकम महसुस गरेर छाल बनेर उफ्रनछे भने आशामा संधैभरि कुरिरहें। एकदिन खबर पाएं हजुर यस पोखरी नजिकैको सागरमा उत्रदैं हुनुहुन्छ। भेट्ने आशामा त्यहीं पुगें तर त्यहां मजस्ता धेरै पोखरी थिए अनि भेट्न पाइएन। त्यसदिन थाहा पाएं मेरो प्रेम त केवल मरुभुमिको एकमुठ्ठी बालुवा सरी रहेछ। मरुभुमिमा नै कसैलाई रुची हुदैंन, त्याहांको एकमुठ्ठी बालुवालाई कसले मतलब गर्छ? तर बालुवालाई आफ्नो अस्तित्व थाहा हुन्छ। ऊ त्यही अस्तित्वमा सिमित भएपनि आफुलाई बुझेको हुन्छ।

आखिर प्रेम सांच्चै नै स्वतन्त्रता को अर्को नाम रहेछ। जहां हरेक लेनदेन र स्वार्थ सकिन्छन्, त्यही नै प्रेमको उत्पति र अर्थ रहेछ। म पनि हजुरको प्रेममा स्वतन्त्र भैसकेको छु। मेरो संकल्पित मन प्रेम गर्न मात्र चाहन्छ, कहिले प्रेम पाउन चाहंदैन, केवल हजुरलाई एकहोरो प्रेम गर्न चाहन्छ। छच्लकिने यी भावनाहरु सायद कहिले अन्त्य हुंदैनन्, जति लेखे पनि शब्द अपर्याप्त नै छन्, तर कलमको थकाइलाई बुझेर यहीं अन्त्य गर्दैछु।

                                                

                                हजुरकी 

                                                                          प्रोमिशा